Processing

I've spent the last 2 weeks trying to process what happened with the pregnancy/miscarriage. A couple things to note (in no particular order):

1. I HATE that what happened is referred to as an abortion. As a person who is adamantly against abortion it completely irks me that medically it is how it's notated on my discharge papers. This WAS NOT MY CHOICE!!!

2. I HATE that you feel as though you shouldn't tell people at the early stages of pregnancy because many pregnancies are lost in the first trimester. But by not telling people, it's like acknowledging that it didn't happen or it wasn't real. When in fact it was very real, and the pain and loss you feel when you lose the pregnancy, even if it was only 8 weeks is very real.

3. Then because you haven't really told anybody, you feel weird telling people now...but now is when you need love, support and prayers the most.

4. Everyone handles grief differently. There is no right or wrong way.

5. I'm asking Why a lot...I know that my God loves me, he created me, he sacrificed his perfect Son for me. Not to sound like a freak, but when I close my eyes and I see Jay and I in that ultrasound room, I see Jesus standing behind the table with his arms spread out, as though he is praying for us, holding us together. I believe that things happen for a reason. So what am I supposed to take from this...
"Always be joyful. Never stop praying. Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. " 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

6. Brownies are not my friend. Yes you are delicious. I think you will make me feel better, but you don't because now I feel gross that I have eaten you and your cohorts without abandon.

7. I love my husband.

8. My boys are awesome.