Tuesday, January 27, 2009


Two weeks ago I took a pregnancy test and to my surprise it came back positive. You see, for quite awhile it has felt like our family is complete. I feel incredibly blessed to have the two healthy boys that I do. For whatever reason, we had a very difficult time getting pregnant with Charlie in fact it took us over 3 years. During that time, I can remember that feeling as though our family just wasn't complete. I can't explain it, but it was a feeling that often made me irrational and I'm sure crazy to live with. Since Charlie has joined our family, I haven't had that feeling and in fact I have felt a peace that this is our family, and while I love babies, love being pregnant that we were moving on from that part of our lives and both the hubster and I were on the same page.

So you can imagine our surprise when the test came back positive. I took it on a Thursday night and was so overwhelmed that I didn't fall asleep until after 4 in the morning. I scheduled my first doctor's appointment for the 26th. We told our parents and the boys. For the next two weeks, my heart was anxious and I seeked God in prayer begging to find peace, to calm my mind as it was racing with all the what ifs. I can say I was scared, petrified might be a more accurate word.

An hour before my scheduled appointment, I started to lose the baby. The Doctor and staff were so gentle and tried to offer hope that what was happening may be ok. They took blood for testing and sent me to get ultrasounds. In the end both confirmed that the pregnancy was ending. In the first few moments, of course I asked WHY? Why are we going through this? Why did I get pregnant just to lose it? Why send us on this roller coaster? Of course I may never know but I am searching for what I can take away from this. The pain is real and so very very sad and overwhelming. It's the loss of what could have been. Even in that short time frame we were imaging our life with this new little one, imagining meeting them on delivery day, making mental notes as to what would need to be done before he/she arrived. Now that is no more and Why?

Dear God, please give us peace. Please heal our heart and help us to explain this as best we can to our boys. Please help us to be good role models in how to handle our grief but to be strong and put our faith in your plan for us.

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